Old Minnesota CowOle is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota, so he drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home. He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
German Tourist and the NunThis German tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soo sorry!""No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?" A nun asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?" "This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really exited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!! !!!!" A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA(making love to a dead person) The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?" The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: 1. It's none of your damn business; 2. She was my wife; and..... 3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!" SO LADIES TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE GAME…..hehehehe. GUYS, IF A LADY IS NOT MOVING, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE. THE IMPORTANCE OF GOOD GRAMMAR
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned," This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A boss
has to interview 4 girls for
secretary position. He asked tricky
Questions to each one of them..
Boss: "A woman normally has two
lips. What's the difference
between the two?"
First Girl: "one is hairy, the other
isn't!"
Boss: "ok.. good!"
Second Girl: "one can talk but the
other can't!"
Boss: "that's better!"
Third Girl: "one is vertical & the
other is horizontal!"
Boss: "Hmm.. clever!"
Last Girl: "one is for my use & the
other is for my Boss!"
Boss: "you are selected!!
........................................................................................................
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
......................................................
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands hi...m the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
...........................................................................................................
A tall, hefty Sardar, new in town, stepped into a bar for a drink.
Unfortunately, the regulars in the bar had a habit of picking on strangers. When the Sardarji finished his drink, he found that the bike he had parked outside had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, banged his fist on the table and yelled, "Which one of you bastards stole my bike?!?!?"
No one answered. "Alright, I'm going to have another drink, and if my bike isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm going to do what I did in Patiala! And I don't like to have to do what I did in Patiala!" he said calmly.
Some of the regulars shifted restlessly. The Sardarji, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside and found that his bike had been returned outside the bar. Sardarji started the bike to ride out.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Sir, before you go... What happened in Patiala?"
The Sardar turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
................................................................................................................
Three people having sex is a -threesome
Two people having sex is a - twosome .
So next time someone calls you handsome,
Don't take it as a compliment!
.........................................................................................................
A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
''That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.
The teacher fainted
......................................................................................................................
Nude Husband In New Shoes: "Do You See Something New?"
Wife: "No, Your Dick Is Hanging As Usual."
Angry Husband: "Because, It Is Looking At My New Shoes."
Wife: "Then Buy A New Hat."
..............................................................................................................
The power of the old monk
I went fishing this morning. After a while, I ran out of worms. I saw a King Cobra with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bait. Knowing that the snake could not bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it behind the head and took the frog.
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